School Teacher

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, “he smiled with delight. “Now, sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”
—FREE lunch for Sarah

Old Age

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20. Grandpa’s doctor tried to explain that at his age, sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed, replied, “Oh well, if she dies, I’ll just get myself another one.”
—FREE lunch for John


Jokes we can't print in the fax/email editions


November 20, 2008
An eight-year-old boy walks home from school each day past an eight-year-old girl’s house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, “See this football? Football is a boy’s game, and only boys can have a football!” The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, “I want a football!” Being a woman of the 90’s, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and taunts, “Nah Na Nah Nah.” The little boy angrily points to his bike and says “Oh yeah, well this is a boy’s bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!” She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says “Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!” The next day he walks by and asks her, “Well, I guess I showed you!” to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims “My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”


November 19, 2008
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire." The next morning, Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


November 18, 2008
A woman who was pregnant with triplets was walking down the street and was accidentally shot by a bank robber fleeing from the police. She was shot three times in the stomach,but luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," said the mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was  playing with myself and I shot the dog."

November 17, 2008
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'  The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.


November 14, 2008
In 2003, the University of Kentucky did a study on the size of the male sexual apparatus. The wanted to determine why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.